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sunnysiderecovery

Recovery is hard-addiction is deadly

Thankful Addict

“I am a thankful addict”-This is something I hear a lot in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. I remember hearing this for the first time, and I thought to myself “these people are fucking bonkers!” and I was right! Us addicts are bonkers, but in the best way possible! 

The saying “thankful addict” seems to be a bit different for everybody, myself included. For me, being a thankful addict is appreciating everything I have been through prior to active addiction, throughout active addiction, and everything that comes with recovery. When I think of my past, I’ll be the first to admit that it wasn’t very pretty. I hurt myself-I hurt the people I love the most. It’s hard to imagine that I’d be thankful for anything in regards to active substance abuse-yet here I am, being thankful for it all. 

I have learned so much in my life, and I’m sure most recovering addicts can agree they have as well. We cause a lot of damage during addiction (even in recovery) but with recovery comes understanding of ones self. My Higher Power had a reason for dealing me those cards. I couldn’t see it at the time, but I’m grateful for it all. 

I can love more freeingly now, and I have such a huge understanding for people in all walks of life. We all have a story that is uniquely our own, because of my past I am better equipped to understand other addict’s (and non-addict’s) stories. I can recall the first time I realized that I was indeed a thankful addict.

Picture this: I’m sitting at my kitchen table watching my four year old read a book to my four month old. I’m appreciating every inch of them, every unique thing God has blessed them with. I watch as my four year old smiles at her baby sister, her dimples so deep the ocean could fill them. Her sister, so little yet so brilliant already, smiles back at her Ate Ani. Unlike her older sister, the baby has only one very shy dimple, yet it shines just as bright as my oldest daughter’s do. That is the moment I realized how grateful I was for all my experiences thus far in life. 

Today, I am thankful for my recovery. I have bad days, good days, wonderful days, and ugly days. Most days I have no clue as to what the right choice is, but I do know that I never have to use again-and that is the biggest blessing my Higher Power has given me.   

My name is Kat, and I am a thankful addict. 

Our Disease of Addiction

Tonight, I am going to talk a bit about our disease of addiction. I usually don’t think too much about that voice, but tonight my heart is breaking and my disease tried to shout at me loud enough for me to break-but my disease lost another battle with my sobriety. Thank you to my Higher Power for allowing me the tools to overcome that voice. I hope you all can take something positive out of this
That voice in your head that urges you to throw your sobriety out the window-that’s our disease. It’s hard to ignore a voice that sounds like you, but we can do this! When something happens to us and our initial thought is to take something, that’s the disease of addiction. It’s hard to hide from that nagging little fucker, and that’s okay. 

My disease tries to speak to me a lot, so if you ever see me randomly telling myself to “shut up and go away” don’t worry my friends! I promise you I’m not (completely) crazy-I’m just doing my best to avoid taking the advice of a damn relentless disease. It can become very tiring at times, but if I give in-even just a little bit-my sobriety would end, and I would be living in Hell again. 

Certain situations seem to hand my disease a loud speaker, especially when the situation involves a lot of pain for me.  It’s hard to hear somebody talk negatively about me, and it’s especially hard when all I have ever wanted was for them to love me. I’d watch tv shows with siblings who-no matter what-stayed by each other’s side. Sadly, that isn’t my relationship with my older sibling. I’ll be honest, it hurts-A LOT. 

Tonight, I heard some horrible words spoken about me. In active addiction, we cause so much damage, and a hard part of recovery is having to relive those moments and (hopefully) make amends. With all that considered, it was still hard to hear such negative comments, especially when they’re followed up by “she’ll never change; she’s being forced to be clean; she doesn’t know how to love”. So of course who do you think came screaming from behind the corner of my brain? That’s right, my disease. Somebody really needs to let that fucker know he isn’t welcomed here anymore! This is one of the many struggles us addicts will be dealing with for a very long time-possibly forever. 

Our disease doesn’t always come in the form of “GO GET LOADED” no, sometimes it could be as simple as “spend money you don’t have; hurt yourself”. Our disease loves it when we are weak, because time has proven to our disease that this method works. Predators love it when their prey is wounded. 

Nights like these, when my disease is screaming at me nonstop, these are the times I am most thankful for the program of Narcotics Anonymous. I don’t want to imagine how tonight would have turned out had I not found sobriety and serenity. I want you all to know that no matter how persuasive and tempting your disease makes something sound, it’s not worth it. Nothing in this world is worth risking your clean time, even if all you’ve got is a few hours. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen 🙌🏼
Kat Jay

Frustrations in Recovery

As we all know, the journey into sobriety can be stressful just in its own. When you add in life stressors that we will have to go through, things can get a little scary. Fear not, my fellow addicts! Our Higher Power is important for great reasons, one of which is aiding us in dealing with life on life’s terms. I know, it’s harder to walk the walk than it is to talk the talk, but alas-we must do so. 

It’s important to have a sponsor when seeking sobriety, because if you’re attempting to do this alone, you will fall flat on your ass. Take tonight for instance-without the help of my support group, I’d be sitting on my bed cursing the world. I’m thankful for my fellow recovering addicts, especially during times of, well, sucky-ness! 

Sobriety never promised us a perfect life, and the program never says that once we are sober stress and pain will end. No, unfortunately sobriety will not stop life from throwing us curve balls. What the program and sobriety give us is better than ending worries-they give us tools to face troubling times. My Higher Power guides me through the dark times, and my program gives me a place to let out all my stress while hearing the hope and inspiration from others. 

Remember friends, do not let life take you out of the game. Play hard, play smart, and most importantly-play sober. 

May your Higher Power bring you to the light, no matter how much darkness you’re facing. 
Kat Jay

Temptations, surrender, and little bit of sass

At the beginning of our road to recovery, many of us have found that temptations seem to be lurking around every damn corner. For the newcomer (like myself) this is one of the biggest battles we face. Once addicted to mind altering substances, we now find ourselves fighting for our life. As the literature will tell us-we must stay away from old playgrounds, playmates, and playthings-which is a big change for most of us.

Many times I have found myself in a battle with temptations, and I will not lie to you guys-I didn’t always win. I wanted to be sober, because I knew that sobriety was the right thing for myself, for my children, and for every single person who loved me, but that wasn’t enough. I had to want sobriety for MYSELF. I had to finally surrender to the program, and the day I did surrender was the best damn day of my life!

For those of us that are fighting the great fight of addiction, we may come to a point that we feel this isn’t worth the pain of having to feel. That fear of facing my pain has taken me down many times, because quite frankly, I allowed it to. I chose not to use my tools I gained from the meetings, I chose not to call my fellow recovering addicts, and I chose to throw in the sobriety flag. Each relapse came with a greater pain than I had felt prior to that specific relapse, and let me just say “when you have a head full of NA, it’s pretty hard to have a body full of substances”.

Thanks to my Higher Power-I finally was able to truly want sobriety, which meant I had to face my fears, my pain, and all the other things I had justified my using with. I’ll be honest here (which I hope you all feel safe to do as well) the thought of having to surrender to anything made me laugh. “Me, surrender? HA!” It was that same pride and ego that lead me to the deep waters of addiction and to my resistance to the program. The night that I truly surrendered was the same night I never went back to using. 

I am not ashamed to admit that I am an addict, and I owe the lack of shame to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. I truly am an addict in every way, except for one thing-I am no longer using mind altering substances. Temptations are still around every corner, in fact it seems as if now that I am in true recovery-drugs are literally on every street I pass! I get through a lot of these hurdles with humor, and I know from my own experiences with other recovering addicts that humor is a big tool in helping to accept and face our addictions. 

This is not to say that without humor I would not be able to stay sober. My Higher Power, meetings, support groups, and my sponsor are some of the major keys to keeping me strong in recovery. This disease of addiction is a tough one, especially with the stigmas attached to our illness, but we have each other to lean on when we are feeling defeated. If you haven’t found a sponsor yet, I encourage you to attend meetings. Listen when the old timers speak, and believe me when I say this-your Higher Power will guide you to the best sponsor you could imagine. 

I believe in you. Yes, you! Whoever you are, what ever your recovery looks like, I want you to know that I have faith in you. If you’re a family member watching your loved one suffering (or recovering) I want you to know that this page is here for you as well. I only ask that you keep an open mind, and of course the golden rule (for all those who visit this page) “if you don’t have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all”. 

Goodnight my friends, and may your Higher Power be with you through all your storms and sunny days. 
Kat Jay

Welcome

Welcome to Sunny Side Recovery! If you’ve stumbled upon my page, I pray you will find the inspiration you need to continue this road to recovery. My name is Kat, and I’m an addict.

This blog is here for all people in all stages of recovery. If you’re still struggling with active addiction-I urge you to find your closest meeting (personally, I attend NA meetings) and surround yourself with other people in recovery. The first time you walk into those rooms with an open mind, an open heart, and most importantly open ears, I promise you will get something very special out of that meeting. If you don’t-keep coming back, because I can assure you that eventually you will hear exactly what you need to.

I’ve been struggling with addiction my entire life. As a child I had addict behavior, which isn’t very surprising since I come from a very long line of addiction. This is not uncommon among addicts, but please do not feel alone or ashamed if your family is not familiar with this disease. My journey into this illness has caused much pain and damage to those around me, but worst of all I hurt myself. Coming from a family of addicts made it a little harder to finally embrace recovery, but alas I found my way to the light.

Everyday seems to get a little easier, but recovery is no easy task to take on. I have faced many trails that definitely tested my strength. I have relapsed many times, and I’ve stayed sober for months at a time. I’ve white knuckled it, I’ve done intensive treatments, and I tried throwing myself into my religion. None of these things stuck, and it always ended in a crucial relapse-that is until I found my way into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. This is when I truly found recovery, and with the help of my sponsor, support group, and a very special Auntie&Uncle, I have managed to find my true self.

I am still on this road to recovery, and I will forever be working the program. Although I have discovered myself-I’m still learning new things about me everyday. Recovery has forced me to face many feelings and fears that I once hid with substances, but I no longer need to hide, and the good news is YOU never have to use again either.

This is a place for addicts of all things, and a place for the families of addicts who would like a peek inside of addiction AND recovery. Please remember this is to remain a safe environment for all who chose to visit this site, and for those who chose to ignore that one rule-I hope you have a change of heart or remove yourself from this space until you find the courage to be understanding, loving, and respectful.

 

May you find the peace and love your Higher Power longs to give you,

Kat Jay

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