At the beginning of our road to recovery, many of us have found that temptations seem to be lurking around every damn corner. For the newcomer (like myself) this is one of the biggest battles we face. Once addicted to mind altering substances, we now find ourselves fighting for our life. As the literature will tell us-we must stay away from old playgrounds, playmates, and playthings-which is a big change for most of us.
Many times I have found myself in a battle with temptations, and I will not lie to you guys-I didn’t always win. I wanted to be sober, because I knew that sobriety was the right thing for myself, for my children, and for every single person who loved me, but that wasn’t enough. I had to want sobriety for MYSELF. I had to finally surrender to the program, and the day I did surrender was the best damn day of my life!
For those of us that are fighting the great fight of addiction, we may come to a point that we feel this isn’t worth the pain of having to feel. That fear of facing my pain has taken me down many times, because quite frankly, I allowed it to. I chose not to use my tools I gained from the meetings, I chose not to call my fellow recovering addicts, and I chose to throw in the sobriety flag. Each relapse came with a greater pain than I had felt prior to that specific relapse, and let me just say “when you have a head full of NA, it’s pretty hard to have a body full of substances”.
Thanks to my Higher Power-I finally was able to truly want sobriety, which meant I had to face my fears, my pain, and all the other things I had justified my using with. I’ll be honest here (which I hope you all feel safe to do as well) the thought of having to surrender to anything made me laugh. “Me, surrender? HA!” It was that same pride and ego that lead me to the deep waters of addiction and to my resistance to the program. The night that I truly surrendered was the same night I never went back to using.
I am not ashamed to admit that I am an addict, and I owe the lack of shame to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. I truly am an addict in every way, except for one thing-I am no longer using mind altering substances. Temptations are still around every corner, in fact it seems as if now that I am in true recovery-drugs are literally on every street I pass! I get through a lot of these hurdles with humor, and I know from my own experiences with other recovering addicts that humor is a big tool in helping to accept and face our addictions.
This is not to say that without humor I would not be able to stay sober. My Higher Power, meetings, support groups, and my sponsor are some of the major keys to keeping me strong in recovery. This disease of addiction is a tough one, especially with the stigmas attached to our illness, but we have each other to lean on when we are feeling defeated. If you haven’t found a sponsor yet, I encourage you to attend meetings. Listen when the old timers speak, and believe me when I say this-your Higher Power will guide you to the best sponsor you could imagine.
I believe in you. Yes, you! Whoever you are, what ever your recovery looks like, I want you to know that I have faith in you. If you’re a family member watching your loved one suffering (or recovering) I want you to know that this page is here for you as well. I only ask that you keep an open mind, and of course the golden rule (for all those who visit this page) “if you don’t have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all”.
Goodnight my friends, and may your Higher Power be with you through all your storms and sunny days.