Tonight, I am going to talk a bit about our disease of addiction. I usually don’t think too much about that voice, but tonight my heart is breaking and my disease tried to shout at me loud enough for me to break-but my disease lost another battle with my sobriety. Thank you to my Higher Power for allowing me the tools to overcome that voice. I hope you all can take something positive out of this.
That voice in your head that urges you to throw your sobriety out the window-that’s our disease. It’s hard to ignore a voice that sounds like you, but we can do this! When something happens to us and our initial thought is to take something, that’s the disease of addiction. It’s hard to hide from that nagging little fucker, and that’s okay.
My disease tries to speak to me a lot, so if you ever see me randomly telling myself to “shut up and go away” don’t worry my friends! I promise you I’m not (completely) crazy-I’m just doing my best to avoid taking the advice of a damn relentless disease. It can become very tiring at times, but if I give in-even just a little bit-my sobriety would end, and I would be living in Hell again.
Certain situations seem to hand my disease a loud speaker, especially when the situation involves a lot of pain for me. It’s hard to hear somebody talk negatively about me, and it’s especially hard when all I have ever wanted was for them to love me. I’d watch tv shows with siblings who-no matter what-stayed by each other’s side. Sadly, that isn’t my relationship with my older sibling. I’ll be honest, it hurts-A LOT.
Tonight, I heard some horrible words spoken about me. In active addiction, we cause so much damage, and a hard part of recovery is having to relive those moments and (hopefully) make amends. With all that considered, it was still hard to hear such negative comments, especially when they’re followed up by “she’ll never change; she’s being forced to be clean; she doesn’t know how to love”. So of course who do you think came screaming from behind the corner of my brain? That’s right, my disease. Somebody really needs to let that fucker know he isn’t welcomed here anymore! This is one of the many struggles us addicts will be dealing with for a very long time-possibly forever.
Our disease doesn’t always come in the form of “GO GET LOADED” no, sometimes it could be as simple as “spend money you don’t have; hurt yourself”. Our disease loves it when we are weak, because time has proven to our disease that this method works. Predators love it when their prey is wounded.
Nights like these, when my disease is screaming at me nonstop, these are the times I am most thankful for the program of Narcotics Anonymous. I don’t want to imagine how tonight would have turned out had I not found sobriety and serenity. I want you all to know that no matter how persuasive and tempting your disease makes something sound, it’s not worth it. Nothing in this world is worth risking your clean time, even if all you’ve got is a few hours.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen 🙌🏼